Undermining relationships

[pablo]

C'mon we have all experienced them. Some of us still are in them. Some of us still bear the scars from them.

Yet we never discuss them!

My definition of a undermining relationship is one whereby on partner knowingly does not act in the best interests of the other.

I know that that is pretty wide but I have to include the aggressive personality type and the passive-aggressive personalty types.

But frankly I am not interested in the academic aspects but am interested in the practicalities.

I am not saying that arguements are wrong but an undermining relationship is one that seeks to keep someone small or just keeps someone from growth.

Pablo

[Summer]

Well, I am probably in one right now, although I could be wrong. The biggest sin my partner makes is that he is too selfish, and doesn't go out of his way to make sure that I am happy with our relationship too. He feels he is happy, therefore I should be happy too. It doesn't matter to him that I am quite often lonely, and that I need much more intimacy than what he does. And if it does matter, he doesn't seem to show it well.

I wish that I were with someone who I felt was encouraging me to become a better person, who was really INVOLVED in my life. But instead I am with someone who just lives with me, side by side we exist. And he is quite comfortable with that. But he isn't one to try to improve himself much, and I am one who will constantly work on self-improvement of some kind. So it could be that me being with my partner is harming me more than I realize.

[Creator]

I too have been in a relationship that was bad for me. This person was not physically abusive but mentally abusive and also very jealous. Never interested in how I felt or what I did or thought - only ever talked about himself as if I didn't matter. He would use threats or blackmail to make me stay with him when I wanted to leave. There would be meaningless arguments about petty little things and he would always say that everything bad that ever happened to him was my fault even if I had nothing to do with it. I remember once, when the kids were really little, I encouraged him to go out one evening to listen to a rock band. Just for him to get a break from the babies and have some fun. Well, he ended up in a fight and according to him I PLANNED IT ALL. I was the one who told him to go out. I had set him up. Oh well. When I broke up once, he started following me around, went through my personal things, read all my mail, threatened to take the kids and move abroad so I'd never see them again. He hit my mum in the face for looking after the kids one evening when I wanted to go out for a meal because she was "encouraging me to cheat on him". Charming chap. A girl at my university once used my mobile phone to call her boyfriend and of course this idiot I was with found the number while searching through the calls made on my phone and he phoned him up! It took me many years to get rid of this man. He almost drove me mad. If he would have been physically abusive to me I think I would have killed him in his sleep. I hated him that much.

[pablo]

Here is a very interesting link on undermining relationships.

style.uk.msn.com/sexandrelationships/datingadvice/article.aspx?cp-documentid=7320309