Post by Creator on Sept 15, 2006 11:36:52 GMT -5
I wrote this about a year ago, but I thought that perhaps some of you might find it funny so here it goes;
Stephen the satanically spotty teen.
- Yeah I’m gonna become a satanist! And look all cool and evil and have a weird and scary name and all! Chicks will love it. Now what name should I pick? Demonos! …No, it sounds like a Greek island… Syphilis… No. Er…. Anonymous? No… Got it! Baphomet! Cool!
On the phone to equally spotty friend:
- We should really start a black metal band! You know to get laid and stuff. Not that I’m not getting any but anyway…
We’ve gotta come up with a really satanic band name like…. Er…
Lucifers Armpit, or Satans handbag or Evilness in decay or something…
Yeah
And we could record an album
Like really satanic and backwards
And trick little 13 year old girls into buying it by having a cute picture and title on the cover... Like ”Roses are red, violets are blue” *attempt of evil laughter, cracking into falsetto*
What do you mean you don’t like my idea?
Fuck you! Satanists don't need friends anyway. *hangs up*
- Oh damn, I have to ask mom to borrow me some money for corpse paint.
SATANIST: Hi mom.
MOTHER: Oh, there you are Stephen!
SATANIST: Never call me that! I am Baphomet, Bringer of Doom.
MOTHER: I named you Stephen. Besides, it's a much nicer name.
SATANIST: (close to tears) I hate you, you never let me do what I want! *storms out and locks himself in his room*
- Oh God! Er… Fuck it, I mean Oh Satan! …What am I going to wear for the party tonight at Chronos the Dark Master’s house? *opens closet* - Dark black or medium black, or perhaps black light? I’ve got quite a wide range of black shades in here! *Proud* I think I’ll go for ”washed out and wicked dark matter black” Yeah, that’ll get me laid. *stuffs rolled up black sport sock in pants for impressive effect*
I really gotta stop saying "Oh God" - it ruins my cred.
At party.
SATANIST: Hi. *trying to look evil*
GIRL: Hi…Cool party… What’s you’re name?
SATANIST: Baphomet, Bringer of Doom. I am the dark wizards. All of them. Would you by any chance want to sacrifice your virginity tonight in the name of the Dark Lord? Ride my tool of evil baby!
GIRL: Er…. Nice to meet you Bappy, but I’ve really gotta go now… What's that down there? Is that a sock sticking out of your fly? You're weird.
- FUCK! I forgot to zip up! I’ll NEVER get laid. Please Satan just let me do it ONCE – then wank for eternity!!! I think I’ll go home and write a song about necrophila. Or existential void, loss, decay and entropy. Gotta practice some singing too… Everyone knows that demons speak with a weird creepy deep voice, sort of "two in one"sounding like it's in stereo. I haven't got any technical stuff really but hey - I can make this gadget out of two slightly angled, empty toilet rolls attached at the base, and let my voice come out through them... CREEPY!
Back home.
*sings through toilet rolls*
”I will feast upon your soul. Worship me naked in front of my dark throne”
- Damn! I just end up sounding like a smurf! I don’t have a deep enough voice for this. But I can still look cool! Shut up and look cool. The silent grim scary demon kind of look! *poses in front of mirror* ”I’m Baphomet – don’t look at me ’cause I bring Doom!” I can just be silent, look cool and have a drum machine going in the background. And some cool guitar riffs… So I gotta learn guitar then. *goes off to library to borrow ”Guitar for beginners” and comes back home again*
- What the hell is this? I’m supposed to learn to play cool black metal, and this book is full of silly kiddie songs! Well I suppose I could go for ”baah baah black sheep” It’s black and NEARLY a goat… And if I record it backwards it'll be really awesome! Mwahahaaaa!!!!!! "TWANG!"
Stephen the satanically spotty teen.
- Yeah I’m gonna become a satanist! And look all cool and evil and have a weird and scary name and all! Chicks will love it. Now what name should I pick? Demonos! …No, it sounds like a Greek island… Syphilis… No. Er…. Anonymous? No… Got it! Baphomet! Cool!
On the phone to equally spotty friend:
- We should really start a black metal band! You know to get laid and stuff. Not that I’m not getting any but anyway…
We’ve gotta come up with a really satanic band name like…. Er…
Lucifers Armpit, or Satans handbag or Evilness in decay or something…
Yeah
And we could record an album
Like really satanic and backwards
And trick little 13 year old girls into buying it by having a cute picture and title on the cover... Like ”Roses are red, violets are blue” *attempt of evil laughter, cracking into falsetto*
What do you mean you don’t like my idea?
Fuck you! Satanists don't need friends anyway. *hangs up*
- Oh damn, I have to ask mom to borrow me some money for corpse paint.
SATANIST: Hi mom.
MOTHER: Oh, there you are Stephen!
SATANIST: Never call me that! I am Baphomet, Bringer of Doom.
MOTHER: I named you Stephen. Besides, it's a much nicer name.
SATANIST: (close to tears) I hate you, you never let me do what I want! *storms out and locks himself in his room*
- Oh God! Er… Fuck it, I mean Oh Satan! …What am I going to wear for the party tonight at Chronos the Dark Master’s house? *opens closet* - Dark black or medium black, or perhaps black light? I’ve got quite a wide range of black shades in here! *Proud* I think I’ll go for ”washed out and wicked dark matter black” Yeah, that’ll get me laid. *stuffs rolled up black sport sock in pants for impressive effect*
I really gotta stop saying "Oh God" - it ruins my cred.
At party.
SATANIST: Hi. *trying to look evil*
GIRL: Hi…Cool party… What’s you’re name?
SATANIST: Baphomet, Bringer of Doom. I am the dark wizards. All of them. Would you by any chance want to sacrifice your virginity tonight in the name of the Dark Lord? Ride my tool of evil baby!
GIRL: Er…. Nice to meet you Bappy, but I’ve really gotta go now… What's that down there? Is that a sock sticking out of your fly? You're weird.
- FUCK! I forgot to zip up! I’ll NEVER get laid. Please Satan just let me do it ONCE – then wank for eternity!!! I think I’ll go home and write a song about necrophila. Or existential void, loss, decay and entropy. Gotta practice some singing too… Everyone knows that demons speak with a weird creepy deep voice, sort of "two in one"sounding like it's in stereo. I haven't got any technical stuff really but hey - I can make this gadget out of two slightly angled, empty toilet rolls attached at the base, and let my voice come out through them... CREEPY!
Back home.
*sings through toilet rolls*
”I will feast upon your soul. Worship me naked in front of my dark throne”
- Damn! I just end up sounding like a smurf! I don’t have a deep enough voice for this. But I can still look cool! Shut up and look cool. The silent grim scary demon kind of look! *poses in front of mirror* ”I’m Baphomet – don’t look at me ’cause I bring Doom!” I can just be silent, look cool and have a drum machine going in the background. And some cool guitar riffs… So I gotta learn guitar then. *goes off to library to borrow ”Guitar for beginners” and comes back home again*
- What the hell is this? I’m supposed to learn to play cool black metal, and this book is full of silly kiddie songs! Well I suppose I could go for ”baah baah black sheep” It’s black and NEARLY a goat… And if I record it backwards it'll be really awesome! Mwahahaaaa!!!!!! "TWANG!"
